November 16th, 2019

Tommy has not been returning my texts over the last few months.
I tried email. Even snail mail.
And still nothing.

So I went to get see him in person again.
I don’t think he has changed his clothes in weeks.
Perhaps even months. It’s hard to keep track of time anymore.

I could tell Tommy was happy to see me—and yet—his smile felt a bit forced.

I worried that maybe he was still mad about some of the political comments I made in our text messages.
Surely Tommy wasn’t the type to hold grudges. He is always telling me that “If a lot more people loved each other, the world would be a better place.”

I try to throw us into our old banter by trash talking the contemporary cinema scene.
Tommy makes it clear he does not want to talk about it.
He only wanted to make small talk.

I show him photos of my dog and he tells me a story about a dog that continued to kiss him without his consent.
Tommy joked, “Time is up for that doggie!” and he let out a throaty laugh.
I am glad to see he is still in good spirits.

I felt all the anxiety of life fade away as Tommy’s laugh washed over me.
Things will get better.
Maybe he’ll text me back soon.

June 19th, 2020

4 Months into the COVID-19 pandemic, I have been unable to eat or sleep. I am so worried about Tommy.

Even though Tommy never reveals his age, I think it’s pretty obvious.
His house is filled with World War II films, wethers originals, and an indescribable smell.
So it’s safe to assume that he is in a “higher risk” demographic.
I find myself recalling the tag-line for The Room. “Can You Really Trust Anyone?”.
As I walk through the super market, spotting people touching the fruit and then putting it back, I ask myself the same thing.

I know that even though Tommy cherishes his privacy, he also relies heavily on social interactions to feed his extroverted personality.
I text him consistently to check in.
I receive few responses.
I wonder if perhaps there is a greater existential angst occupying his time.

With Tommy’s livelihood dependent upon the collapsing entertainment industry, I decided to send him my stimulus checks.
But they were returned, having been opened.
Bits of dried peanut butter was on the envelope.

I worry about Tommy constantly, but I finally received a sign that he was ok.
He sent me a care package containing a signed DVD along with a signed headshot.

“To Emily”, he wrote. “Be Good”.
It was signed with Love.

I love you too, Tommy.

March 23rd, 2021

Tommy. If you’re reading this. I miss the sound of your voice.

I lay awake every night, thinking of you until I cry myself to sleep.

My friends cant stand it. I’m not myself when I’m separated from you.

My friend Kat bought me a bobble head of you for my birthday.

You didn’t send a card. You didn’t leave a voicemail.
You didn’t remember…

When I press the red button at the bottom of the bobble head, your head starts to shake.

But the voice coming out of the speaker doesn’t have the warmth of the man I know.
Knew.

It’s mechanical. Tectonic. It’s as if you’re voice was captured, but your soul was left behind.

Call me soon Tommy.

I need you.

PS: I got the vaccine. Are you proud of me? I overcame my fear of needles to show you I can change.

March 25th, 2021

Tommy.

Please.

Im Sorry.

I was so excited about my new bobble head. I showed it to my dog.

My motivations were innocent.

I just wanted to take some photos of my favorite person (Tommy) with my favorite dog (Emma).

How was I supposed to know this would happen?

She’s never done anything bad before.

Emma began smelling the bobble head,

She got really close and began to admire it’s craft and beauty.

And then…

She…

Well she broke it.

I can’t even say her name anymore.
Every time I try to speak, the only thing that comes out is “Lisa.”

Because she has betrayed you—and by extension—me.

I am fed up with this world we live in.

October 22nd, 2022

I always knew you would eventually forgive me

But for some reason I feel like there is an invisible barrier between us.

One day I hope you can learn to trust me again.

I came up to you and showered you with compliments—telling you how good you smell.

And you just laughed your usual laugh and said “Do you want me to sign your poster?”

So we're back to small-talk now?

I want us to get past the small talk and have long, intimate, meaningful, vulnerable conversations.

I love you, Tommy.

I love you.

I love you.

💖

I’ll see you soon…

October 7th, 2023

I feel like the barrier between us is growing bigger by the day.
My love for you has only grown, but why do I feel like you’re pulling away.
After all these years—I thought we were better at dealing with conflict.

I have tried texting my friends about it.
They have questions about the way you treat me.

They just don’t understand what we have, Tommy.
How could they?

They don’t see that when you signed my poster, you drew TWO hearts.
It must be hard for you to have so much love.
You’re just trying to protect yourself—and I don’t blame you.

The beautiful thing about glass is that love can shine through it.